Want
by conclusivelead
Summary: During S02EP17, "Heart." Drabble, Angst, one-sided Wincest. "Dean’s jaw clenches and he wishes that he could exorcise all these unwanted, immoral emotions like he would a demon. Feelings, it seems, are harder to banish than hell spawn."


**Author**: stb.  
**Fandom**: Supernatural.  
**Genre**: Romance/Angst.  
**Warnings**: None, really. Insinuated Wincest.  
**Word Count**: 651.  
**Spoilers**: Spoilers up to S01EP17, "Heart." Takes place at the very end of this episode.  
**Challenge/Inspiration**: None.  
**Suggested Listening**: Something sad. Just watch the episode and listen to that. It's heartbreaking.  
**Summary**: "Dean's jaw clenches and he tries to push away this jealous monster clawing up inside him; he wishes that he could exorcise all these unwanted, immoral emotions like he would a demon. Feelings, it seems, are harder to banish than hell spawn." Dean watches Sam's heart break; drabble.

WANT  
Written 3/07/09

"Sam."

Dean holds the gun in his hand, fingers clenched around the metal as he stares at Sam's trembling shoulders.

Sam is clawing, clinging, struggling not to break down and it's all Dean can do not to just reach out and put his arms around him. Dean feels something inside him shudder, breaking just as Sam's heart is breaking, just as Sam's sense of moral justice is crumbling down around him.

"I'm sorry." It's an understatement – Sam won't ever really know just how sorry Dean is. Dean is sorry that Sam is hurting. Dean is sorry that he can't protect him from this pain. Dean is sorry that Sam's heart is breaking over this girl. Dean is sorry that he's jealous, especially in such an inappropriate situation.

"No, you're right…" Sam's eyes are red-rimmed, and filled with heart-breaking regret. "She's right." Dean's jaw clenches and he tries to push away this jealous monster clawing up inside him; he wishes that he could exorcise all these unwanted, immoral emotions like he would a demon. Feelings, it seems, are harder to banish than hell spawn.

Dean feels himself start to fall apart, but pulls it back together immediately, unwilling to let Sam down by displaying anything other than unwavering support and sympathy. "Sammy, I'll do it – I've got this one."

He knows that Sam is not going to let him anywhere near Madison. But he also knows that Sam appreciates Dean's offer to deal with this and the consequential guilt and self-blame. Dean's heart breaks as a tear makes its way down Sam's cheek. He's torn between wanting to comfort his brother and being heartbroken himself: heartbroken that Sammy will never look at him the way he looked at Madison. He wants to choke, wants to throttle himself. It kills him, it really does. The guilt…the shame…the absolute self-hate….

He's only glad that his father died without ever finding out just how much Dean really loved his kid brother. He grimaces, fingers tightening around the gun again. The thought of his father revives an ancient stab of pain just below his heart, dull and throbbing. Dean's face burns with shame; if John Winchester had ever discovered…he never would have forgiven him.

"She asked me to." Sam's voice is shaky and heartrending and Dean pushes down at the lump at the back of his throat.

"You don't have to." Yes, he does.

"Yes, I do." Sam tries to steady himself, tries to pull himself together a little; he holds out a shaking hands and sniffs once. "Please."

Dean is reluctant. He doesn't think it is a good idea – in fact, he know it isn't a good idea. If he lets Sam go in there and kill that girl, he knows that he will never forgive himself. But he also knows that no matter who kills her, Sam will never forgive himself for failing to find a way to save her. Either way, Sam will heartbroken and so will Dean. He blinks several times, trying to find a sense of peace in the fact that Madison had agreed to all this, but there's no peace in this surrender. She is still going to die, and Sam is still going to be the one to kill her.

Dean holds out the gun and slips it into Sammy's hand. The tear tracks down his brother's cheeks shine in the light from the window. "Just wait here."

He doesn't have to say anything. Sam turns and leaves and Dean stands where he is, hurting and tired and aching because Sam is hurting and tired and aching and his resolve finally crumbles. First Dean's eyes are wet, and then his cheek.

He will not falter; he will be here, waiting for brother to come back, and when he does, he will give him exactly what he needs, even if it's not exactly what Dean wants.

END


End file.
